“Life stinks!” That’s what I used to tell my patients. When I was first out of graduate school, and began my work as a staff psychologist in a rehabilitation hospital, I learned first-hand how difficult it was to recover from a stroke. You pretty much lose control of your life – either as the patient or the caregiver.

You can feel quite helpless. And that’s how I began to feel, too. I thought my job was to fix them, and that it was only a matter of time and proper treatment. I wasn’t prepared for all of the suffering and adjustment this would really take.

The good news is this led me to study and make sense of suffering. I found myself asking more philosophical questions like, “Does life serve a purpose? And if it does, then why suffering”? I found that perhaps as much as any other question, suffering caused people to look at what they really believe.

As I began to investigate religious and spiritual belief systems, and what they had to say about suffering, I was not surprised to find that they disagreed considerably. What did surprise me is that they managed to agree on two major points: 1) We are all one with God, and 2) There is a common moral code – Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

All of my questioning and searching kept bringing me back to one point: the consideration of love. Even research into near death experiences suggested that the purpose of life was to learn to love. But the role of love in healing would become much more clear years later when I completed my research while serving as Director of Mind-Body Medicine for a physician management group of 40 cancer centers.

I was responsible for developing all psychological services for these cancer patients and their families. As part of these services, I developed and taught six classes that met for two hours each week. I was particularly interested in teaching about the “will to live”.

I had interned with radiation oncologist, Dr. Carl Simonton, who observed that cancer patients who had a greater enthusiasm for life were doing better and living longer than patients who showed a greater apathy, depression, and attitude of giving up. So, in my program I followed Dr. Simonton’s approach of teaching patients to do more of what brought joy and meaning into their lives as part of their treatment for cancer. I called it “going fishing”.

However, I was in for another surprise. People found this too selfish. Their moral, social, and cultural conditioning taught them that everyone and everything else should come first. They believed that doing for others was much more appropriate than creating a balance between taking care of themselves (that’s the selfish part) and taking care of others. It was more appropriate to work than to play. That’s when I had to really take time to explain that their health and happiness depended on identifying and meeting their own unique interests, needs, and values.

This led to a discussion of what’s really important in life. In summary, they concluded we’re all looking for peace of mind.

So, I asked them, when was it that they had peace of mind. They soon realized it was when they were doing what brought them the greatest personal joy and meaning. This brought us back to the value of a will to live. And why our health depended on it.

After teaching my wellness classes for a full year, I asked patients for feedback about the classes. I wanted to know, of all the things I taught them during twelve hours of instruction, what helped them the most, and what didn’t.

The first thing they said that helped them the most was that I listened. I can’t tell you how confused I was by this response! My perception of myself was that I taught; I didn’t listen. I was sure they didn’t understand my question, so I asked them again.

The second thing they said they learned that helped them the most was that I cared. Now I was not only confused, but also found myself becoming upset that they obviously didn’t understand my question. So, this time I went over all of the six classes in detail, asking and expecting them to say what helped them was the will to live, stress management, etc. The third thing they now said that helped them the most was that I was sincere.

Believe it or not, I finally started to get it. What helped them the most was not any specific coping skill, but that they felt listened to and cared for. I must admit I truly was slow to understand that what I said or taught was not as effective in helping them as the heartfelt way I said it. This experience became pivotal in guiding me to learn and question why feeling loved and cared for actually could be healing.

In my drive to understand why love heals, I found major studies especially with heart disease that had the same conclusions as mine. Dr. James Lynch, after more than thirty years of research, demonstrated that when people feel heard and understood vs. loneliness and chronic lack of heartfelt communication, their bodies respond far healthier. When people speak without “heart,” without any real feelings of connection to another – they are at much higher risk for heart disease and premature death. He concluded that love and felt dialogue are essential for good health.

Cardiologist Dr. Dean Ornish found that patients diagnosed with heart disease could stop or begin to reverse the disease following lifestyle changes in nutrition, physical exercise, and stress management. Even severe coronary heart disease often begins to reverse when making these lifestyle changes, without drugs or surgery! After twenty years of research and practice, he wrote in his book Love and Survival: “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes” than the role of love and intimacy.

It all comes down to: Do you feel loved and cared for? While I discovered much more research with similar conclusions, I want to finish with what was a major revelation for me regarding why love heals.

Quantum physics is the study of electromagnetic energy at the atomic level. A number of physicists received the Nobel Prize in physics for discovering that a more fundamental quantum energy underlies all physical matter. They determined that all of life is a dynamic, interconnected web of harmony and order. It could best be described as love.

This quantum life-giving field is the force that ultimately determines our health. When we experience love, we resonate with this core essence of who we are. Our bodies respond with decreased stress and resistance. Health is a natural consequence. This is why love heals.

These physicists also discovered something just as astounding: Consciousness creates physical reality. Subatomic matter is really interacting waves of “potential” energy that only takes physical form once observed. The observation of a thing takes it from its undefined waveform of pure potential, and only then does it appear as a particle or atomic matter. Consciousness is necessary for the creation of matter and the physical universe!

I want to remind you of the two beliefs I noted earlier common to all religions: 1) that we are one with everything, all intimately connected, and 2) that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated. If we look at the discoveries of quantum physics, we find a major scientific basis for these spiritual truths. It becomes clear that we truly do reap what we sow. And love really is the answer.

While my work and research focused on the quality of life, I am convinced that feeling listened to and cared for is equally important in one’s quality of death. When we are able to be truly authentic and free to be ourselves, without any thought of criticism or rejection, it brings the greatest peace of mind. This is what we all want in the end. Whether we refer to it as “bedside manner” or simple respect for another’s unique interests, needs, and values - feeling loved and cared for is always the best prescription. Even though my research and others’ determined that love could be curative, it is always healing.

Dean Shrock, Ph.D. is author of Doctor’s Orders: Go Fishing and Why Love Heals. He is available for speaking, workshops, and training events. Contact Dr. Shrock at www.DeanShrock.com or www.HeartfeltIntent.com.